Oh well, I guess its time to think about myself and make sure that I am on a right trail.
I have been really great recently....helping the Japanese professor teach American students English, making new friends randomly, taking awesome courses. getting drunk at the party(yeah, thats what true school kids do)...and you name it.
Even though I am a little bit stuck with a lot of stuffs surrounding me, I still have some time to slow things down and spend time for myself.
Yeah, thats a freaking big difference from the last semester.
Man......I dont even wanna remember the freakin drama happening last year...(I will get to this point later)
But anyway, my poor worried face relaxed into a smile face, which is a awesome thing.
So what happened last year?
Its gonna be a long long story, but I am ready to express what I felt or what I am thinking now.
I put a picture on this page. Of course I was on it.
This picture is on the main page of texas state university athletic training program.
I forgot when exactly we took this picture, but all of 'em on that picture were my supervisor or companions that I studied with.
Well, it should be a good memory, cuz just about 10 students can get into the program among nearly 70 candidates in each year.
But I am seeing this picture in the different way.
I was afraid to say this, but as i said, I am ready for it.
I left the program at the end of last semester.
I was a sophomore student athletic trainer and covered a tack and cross country team.
I had 4 awesome co-workers and 1 supervisor whose name is aimee( did I spell right?).
I liked her a lot. Even though I was a first year athletic training student, she let me do a tons of stuffs.
At my third week in the team, she assigned me this athletes whose right hamstring was messed up.
I needed to start with an evaluation and my main goal was to get him back to the race which is held in spring.
I was just taking lower extremity and advanced anatomy class( in which I studied the human anatomy by cadavers), and other basic stuffs.
None of rehab and modalities.
I just did what I can do without thinking other things.
At the mid-term evaluation with Aimee, she said " Aki...ur just beyond the sophomore level, and I have been impressed by your work. Keep ur job as u have been doing..good job"
Honestly, I myself was impressed by what she said to me.
I totally didnt expect the way she said, and I never ever satisfied with what I was doing.
U know, who doesn't like to be pleased by someone else?
I was proud of it for a moment, but I was not that happy about that.
I still felt my un-confidence and some sort of inferiority.I dont know who I was comparing with tho.
I thought I was at the training room cuz thats where athletic taring student study and grow up.
BUT, athletic training room is also the place where athletes get a treatment and get well.
I did not notice this point.
They dont care who I am...how much I am studying, how many years I have a experiments at the training room.
Of course, there are some frienship between trainers and athletes, but especially freshman or before the competition, they tend to get serious.which is a normal thing.
They know who is good.
So yeah, I was like. I am not gonna show my inability in front of em..that led em to feel that I am not qualified.....(what a childish thought...lol but u know who I am)
I practiced taping only when they are not in the training room, studied stuffs in my room that i have not learned yet in the class.
I tried my best.
I tried so many things to get rid of the freaking un-cconfidence.
Suddenly, i was just excused.
I didnt go out with my friends I used to go to the party all the time during weekends, didnt want to talk with new people, didnt go outside...
I was overwhelmed by something that I could not see and lost a energy to survive.
I talked with Dr. Ranson who is a director of the program.
I talked everything even though my thought was not organized.
Its not that special that some students leave the program at the middle of courses in each year.
So, I was like
well, I will be one of em...what a looser.
But again, he gave me an expected choice.
He wanted me to stay in the program, and if I need a break to organize things, I can take a semester off.
Dr. ranson also told me that I need to accept myself and judge myself objectively.
This story happened not because of my inability but because of my immaturity of the spirit. yea right, thats what I need.
and u know what?
I am in the middle of this awesome vacations to get my confidence back again, to grow up as an adult individual, and to learn slow things down.
I am studying what i need to know, what i wanna know, and think about my future again.
Even thought i had a hard time about it, still I wanna be an athletic rainier.
I really respect Dr. ranson's consideration, and I decided to accept his offer to grow up.
Well, it will be a little bit delay to graduate, but so what?
studying athletic training.....its not a simple stuff.I learned that.
its so deep.
there are tone of different trainers in this wold.
What do I wanna be?
havent got that answer yet, but I am gonna do whatever I can do at this point.